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(#5390180) Re: Let's post some new jokes..
Posted by Big Giant Head on 26 Jun 2022 at 1:17AM
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.
(#5390146) Re: Let's post some new jokes..
Posted by Jools on 25 Jun 2022 at 8:57PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
(#5390045) Re: Let's post some new jokes..
Posted by eliphont551 on 25 Jun 2022 at 2:57PM
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
(#5389967) Re: Let's post some new jokes..
Posted by Lil Red on 25 Jun 2022 at 10:05AM
Where do you take someone who's been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
The I.C.U.
(#5389912) Let's post some new jokes..
Posted by monkeytyper on 25 Jun 2022 at 6:43AM
have fun Dancing
(#5389908) we have a winner..
Posted by monkeytyper on 25 Jun 2022 at 6:39AM
congrats to bestgremlin you will receive a token..Enjoy!
(#5389778) are you finished voting?
Posted by monkeytyper on 24 Jun 2022 at 9:14PM
I will post the winner tomorrow..
(#5388093) Behind every man
Posted by Jools on 20 Jun 2022 at 12:01AM
Behind every successful man is a supportive woman who has helped him to get where he is.
If he isn't successful, he should get a new woman!
(#5387424) Voting is ready
Posted by monkeytyper on 18 Jun 2022 at 6:45AM
I hope you have a few laughs..
(#5387423) Jokes for voting..
Posted by monkeytyper on 18 Jun 2022 at 6:41AM
#1..A good steak joke is a rare medium well done.

#2..What's the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind, and marriage is an eye-opener!

#3..A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."

#4..If you’re American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, what are you when in the bathroom?

You're a-peein' (European)

#5..At the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was. She said, "I'll see" and walked off. Five minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal. He. too, said "I'll see" and walked away. I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

(#5387032) Re: Say what?
Posted by Whimjest on 17 Jun 2022 at 7:43AM
I will use it to close out our Vacation Bible School where we were collecting cereal for the local food bank. Thanks!
(#5386834) Re: Say what?
Posted by Hillbilly on 16 Jun 2022 at 1:27PM
Love it! Laughing
(#5386735) Say what?
Posted by bestgremlin on 16 Jun 2022 at 4:13AM
At the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was. She said, "I'll see" and walked off. Five minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal. He. too, said "I'll see" and walked away. I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
(#5386500) Re: all ready for some new laughs
Posted by Jools on 15 Jun 2022 at 1:09PM
If you’re American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, what are you when in the bathroom?

You're a-peein' (European)
(#5386451) Re: all ready for some new laughs
Posted by LittleTree on 15 Jun 2022 at 10:56AM
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."
(#5385474) Re: all ready for some new laughs
Posted by hoot on 12 Jun 2022 at 4:51AM
What's the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind, and marriage is an eye-opener! LOL
(#5385419) Re: all ready for some new laughs
Posted by Totty on 12 Jun 2022 at 1:21AM
A good steak joke is a rare medium well done.

(This might be a repost, but I heard it somewhere else last week!) Smiling
(#5385407) all ready for some new laughs
Posted by monkeytyper on 11 Jun 2022 at 9:31PM
Lets see who can come up with the best joke..
(#5385276) Re: Voting is complete and
Posted by Lil Red on 11 Jun 2022 at 9:16AM
Congrats to both of you. I liked both of them. 👍👍
(#5385265) Voting is complete and
Posted by monkeytyper on 11 Jun 2022 at 8:13AM
we have a tie..eliphont551 for A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"and LittleTree for Our dog brings us the newspaper every day…funny thing is, we’ve never subscribed to any!
Thanks to all who entered, hope you enjoyed some laughs..
(#5384697) Voting
Posted by monkeytyper on 9 Jun 2022 at 9:29PM
I will post the winner Saturday morning so you have one more day to vote and break the tie..
(#5382724) Poll is up..please vote...
Posted by monkeytyper on 4 Jun 2022 at 9:32AM
#1..
Q. What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?
A. Beer
#2..
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"
#3..
Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments?
Mount Rushmore.
#4..
Our dog brings us the newspaper every day…funny thing is, we’ve never subscribed to any!
#5..
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
#6..
My friend doesn't want anyone else to know he used to play board games a lot.
He's had a checkered past.
#7..
Afterwards, what happens if you fail to pay the bill from your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
#8..A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!
(#5382498) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 3 Jun 2022 at 4:34PM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!
(#5382430) last chance
Posted by monkeytyper on 3 Jun 2022 at 11:05AM
I will be putting up all the entries tomorrow for voting..
(#5381285) Overdue bill
Posted by bestgremlin on 1 Jun 2022 at 3:55AM
Afterwards, what happens if you fail to pay the bill from your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
(#5380848) Re: anymore jokesters here?
Posted by monkeytyper on 30 May 2022 at 9:25PM
no theme any funny joke will do..
(#5380686) Re: anymore jokesters here?
Posted by jd91 on 30 May 2022 at 11:25AM
Is there a theme?
(#5380507) anymore jokesters here?
Posted by monkeytyper on 29 May 2022 at 8:59PM
I want to put the poll up so if anyone has a funny line please post it.. Smiling
(#5379634) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 27 May 2022 at 1:27AM
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it
(#5378612) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by HeartOnFire on 24 May 2022 at 8:34AM

My friend doesn't want anyone else to know he used to play board games a lot.

He's had a checkered past.
(#5378283) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by Lil Red on 23 May 2022 at 1:25PM
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.
(#5378246) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by jroyster on 23 May 2022 at 10:35AM
Thumbs up
(#5378245) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by LittleTree on 23 May 2022 at 10:31AM
Our dog brings us the newspaper every day…funny thing is, we’ve never subscribed to any!
(#5378241) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by ladyvic on 23 May 2022 at 10:23AM
Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments?
Mount Rushmore.
(#5378233) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by Jools on 23 May 2022 at 9:47AM
Q. What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?
A. Beer.
(#5378225) Re: Lets get this party started
Posted by eliphont551 on 23 May 2022 at 8:44AM
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"
(#5378219) Lets get this party started
Posted by monkeytyper on 23 May 2022 at 8:09AM
I hope everyone is ready to make us laugh..please start posting your jokes here and we will be able to vote on the best..I know you want to add one of the tokens to your profile..READY..SET..GO..
(#5367585) Re: Jokes
Posted by marcmandy on 23 Apr 2022 at 8:28AM

➡️😃LOL😄⬅️

Not only in Britain! You could sub the US and it would be equally appropriate!
(#5367506) The Problem with Speaking English
Posted by Jools on 23 Apr 2022 at 4:36AM
  • Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits
  • Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits
  • Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits
  • Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits
  • Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
(#5367485) Jokes
Posted by Jools on 23 Apr 2022 at 3:20AM
Happy St. George's Day everyone, a few relevant jokes for the day.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.

Only in Britain... do Supermarkets make the
sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do we buy hot
dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
(#5352315) Re: Leprechaun Joke
Posted by rabbitoid on 11 Mar 2022 at 12:50AM
Please. Let's not go there, again.
(#5352314) Re: Leprechaun Joke
Posted by Jools on 11 Mar 2022 at 12:14AM
Isn't JC a leprechaun?
(#5352182) Re: Leprechaun Joke
Posted by jroyster on 10 Mar 2022 at 1:31PM
C'mon, the story was full of little green men!
(#5352066) Re: Leprechaun Joke
Posted by rabbitoid on 10 Mar 2022 at 4:57AM
Good one, but where's the leprechaun?
(#5352063) Re: Leprechaun Joke
Posted by Totty on 10 Mar 2022 at 4:41AM
That is fabulous! Smiling
(#5351729) Re: Leprechaun Joke
Posted by Jools on 9 Mar 2022 at 11:15AM
Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yeah, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
(#5349127) Leprechaun Joke
Posted by HeartOnFire on 1 Mar 2022 at 10:57AM
"Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you wouldn't want to press your luck," said the Leprechaun.
(#5345307) Re: 2/2/2022 entry time
Posted by HeartOnFire on 19 Feb 2022 at 4:45PM
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
(#5345302) Shorts
Posted by HeartOnFire on 19 Feb 2022 at 4:39PM

My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES!! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a set of sockets fell out.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again."

There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
(#5344520) Re: 2/2/2022 entry time
Posted by Jools on 17 Feb 2022 at 9:05PM
For Sale. Set of Encyclopaedias, unused and now surplus to requirements as spouse knows everything!
(#5344108) Re: 2/2/2022 entry time
Posted by Catmane on 16 Feb 2022 at 7:24PM

An even simpler form:

1. How much did you make?

2. Send it in!
(#5343039) Re: 2/2/2022 entry time
Posted by PattyMac on 14 Feb 2022 at 12:35PM
According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income last year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much do you have left

4. Send it to us!
(#5343001) Re: 2/2/2022 entry time
Posted by monkeytyper on 14 Feb 2022 at 8:33AM
Yesterday I saw an ad that said Radio $1.00..the volume is stuck all the way on high. I thought, I can't turn that down.
(#5338438) 2/2/2022 entry time
Posted by Sundrop kid on 2 Feb 2022 at 4:15AM
Time for another round everyone. Please post all entries in this thread
(#5338436) And the winner is....
Posted by Sundrop kid on 2 Feb 2022 at 4:14AM
**Lover of Darkness** with the joke


#5 When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.
(#5332340) Odd things going on in the UK
Posted by Catmane on 17 Jan 2022 at 1:39PM


Be very afraid...


{ Image: dailydits.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/1100-news-860x280.jpg }
(#5331614) (no subject)
Posted by Elijah02 on 15 Jan 2022 at 7:48PM
what do you call a duck that wants a cracker? A Qaucker!
(#5323980) Re: 11-4-21 poll
Posted by Sundrop kid on 28 Dec 2021 at 6:44PM
And the winner of the last one is PattyMac
(#5323978) 11-4-21 poll
Posted by Sundrop kid on 28 Dec 2021 at 6:41PM
finally posting this one

#1 If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model.
Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires!

#2 What do you call a duck who likes watching fireworks?
A firequacker

#3 When we had 9 cats, they all had different lengths of tails. Miss Kitty had the longest tail and was christened with “long end of the tail” while Sheba had the shortest tail and was christened “short end of the tail”. After Miss Kitty died Athena became the “long end of the tail”.

#4 What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

#5 When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.

#6 Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.

#7 The Uneasy Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up the curb and stopped just short of a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years I've been driving a hearse."

#8 Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."

#9 Shot my first turkey today
Scared the heck out of everyone in the frozen food section today... it was awesome...


poll will be posted soon

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