Jokes - Good, clean, funny jokes - Hosted by Avatar 6453
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spacer40Come get a little giggle for your jiggle each day and post your favorite jokes

spacer40We all need to keep the squirrels smiling Smiling


Themed contests for profile tokens will be held about twice a month. Subject and dates will be posted here. Post your funniest joke for a chance to win one of these awesome specialty tokens:

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spacer40Board Rules:

1. You are welcome to post other non-contest Jokes on this board anytime, but please note in your post if it is NOT for the contest
2. There will be a poll for subscribers to vote for their favorite contest jokes
3. PLEASE choose Post a new comment when you enter your joke as it makes it easier to put up a poll
4. If you won the last contest, you will not be eligible for the next one to give all an equal chance
5. Only one entry per player will be eligible. If a player posts more than one, the first joke will be used
"Please remember to keep it clean folks" Bath


spacer40Funniest Golf Joke Winners:

Congrats to quietman and Whimjest for winning 1st and 2nd place respectively in this contest

spacer40What is the funniest Golf joke?

Poll Results:
    • 1st Place - Don't be Late for your Tee-Off Time (9) Avatar 6453
    • 2nd Place - Why is it called golf? (3) Whimjest


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spacer40New Contest Theme: Kids Say The Darnedest Things

    • Share your jokes, stories or anecdotes about funny situations or funny things kids say that have you rolling on the floor with laughter. A voting poll will be held in mid June to select a winner!
    • Feel free to post a non-contest joke anytime. Just say "not for contest" in the subject window
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(#5505933) Davy Jones
Posted by Jools on 4 Jun 2023 at 8:11AM
Jonny walks up to his mum wiggling his fingers under his chin

Jonny- "Mummy, I'm Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean, do you like my beard of testicles?"
Mum- "Beard of what!!???"
Jonny- "Beard of testicles - like an octopus"
Mum- "TENTACLES Jonny, they're called tentacles"
Jonny- "yeah - same thing"
(#5505911) Elephant
Posted by eliphont551 on 4 Jun 2023 at 7:02AM
Teacher: "Little Johnny, how do you spell "elephant"?"
Little Johnny: "E-L-E-F-A-N-T"
Teacher: "No Johnny, that in incorrect."
Johnny: "Maybe it is wrong Miss but you asked how I spell it."
(#5505013) Re: Golf Joke Vote Closed
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Jun 2023 at 7:53AM

spacer40What is the funniest Golf joke?

Poll Closed 1 June 2023 - Results:
    • Don't be Late for your Tee-Off Time (9) 1st Place Avatar 6453
    • Why is it called golf? (3) 2nd Place Whimjest
    • Golf and doctors (2)
    • Contest Joke The Rider (1)
    • Golf trousers (1)
Votes: 16
Thanks to those who posted a joke, and to the 16 players who voted. 1st and 2nd place winners will receive tokens to be announced in Recognition Tokens
(#5504063) Time to vote for the funniest Golf joke
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 29 May 2023 at 7:03AM

spacer40#1 - The Rider

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it"

spacer40#2 - Golf Trousers

Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers?
In case they get a hole in one

spacer40#3 - Golf and Doctors

An older doctor said to me "In today's working conditions I get a lot of middle age executives with high stress. I ask them if they play golf"
"If they say yes, I recommend they quit, and if they say no, I suggest they start!"

spacer40#4 - Why is it called "Golf"?

Question: Why is it called Golf?
Answer: "Oh, Fudge!" was already taken

spacer40#5 - Don't Be Late For Your Tee-Off Time

A friend of Henry's dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is
"Henry," he says, "you won't believe it, but there is golf in Heaven"
"That is wonderful!" Henry replies
"Don't be so thrilled," his friend tells him. "Your tee-off time is scheduled for 8 am this Saturday!"
(#5503767) Why is it called golf?
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 27 May 2023 at 10:06PM
Posted by Whimjest
Question: Why is it called Golf?
Answer: Oh, Fudge! was already taken Smiling
(#5503731) Last call for Golf Jokes..
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 27 May 2023 at 6:14PM
Voting poll will be posted on Sunday
1st and 2nd place tokens will be awarded Thumbs up
(#5503338) Re: Don't be Late for your Tee-Off Time
Posted by marcmandy on 26 May 2023 at 7:27AM

😆

(#5503079) Re: Don't be Late for your Tee-Off Time
Posted by jroyster on 25 May 2023 at 12:16PM
Good one!
(#5503000) Don't be Late for your Tee-Off Time
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 25 May 2023 at 6:36AM
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002305250635051.jpg }
A friend of Henry's dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is
"Henry," he says, "you won't believe it, but there is golf in Heaven"
"That is wonderful!" Henry replies
"Don't be so thrilled," his friend tells him. "Your tee-off time is scheduled for 8 am this Saturday"
spacer40
(#5501095) Re: A Riddle Answered
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 18 May 2023 at 3:24PM
Moderator, please delete my reply(s) as well as it is no longer apropos. Thank you
spacer40
(#5501086) Re: A Riddle Answered
Posted by maintenance man on 18 May 2023 at 2:52PM
Gentlemen only,ladies forbidden
(#5501085) Re: A Riddle Answered
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 18 May 2023 at 2:50PM
I'm sorry Whimjest, but.. FUDGE has 5 letters! Winking 3
(#5501077) A Riddle Answered
Posted by Whimjest on 18 May 2023 at 2:25PM
Why is it called Golf?

Answer:



Fudge was already taken.

I am okay with this one being taken off the discussion board. I was told this one by someone who was rather embarrassed after he told me the riddle and then asked me what I did for a living. I hear the best jokes when I'm not wearing a clerical collar.
(#5500973) Is it Golf, Ping Pong or Baseball?
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 18 May 2023 at 4:57AM
(#5500490) Golf and doctors
Posted by KG_2020 on 16 May 2023 at 9:41AM
An older doctor confused in me "In today's working conditions I get a lot of middle age executives with high stress. I ask them if they play golf. If they say yes, I recommend they quit and if they say no I suggest they start."
(#5500222) That's an unfair advantage!
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 15 May 2023 at 7:41AM
(#5500213) Drowning my sorrows
Posted by jroyster on 15 May 2023 at 6:40AM
Finishing up a really bad round, I spotted a lake as I walked despondently up the 18th. I looked at my buddy and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” He quickly replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
(#5500105) Golf trousers
Posted by Jools on 14 May 2023 at 11:17PM
I can only think of the original and classic golf joke

Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers?
In case they get a hole in one ⛳
(#5499990) Contest Joke The Rider
Posted by eliphont551 on 14 May 2023 at 3:05PM
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider? The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."
(#5499980) Re: New Contest Theme
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 14 May 2023 at 2:37PM
The New Contest Theme will be posted at the top of this board soon. As always, subscribers may post any joke, riddle, quip or cartoon anytime.. I'm always looking for my daily laugh Laughing
(#5499894) Funniest Joke Of All Time - Poll Closed
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 14 May 2023 at 5:35AM

spacer40What is your favorite funniest joke of all time?

1st Place - My Four Husbands (8) by { karynsong
2nd Place - How is the patient doing? (6) by **Lover of Darkness**
A Blond joke (5)
Pug (3)
Open theme joke (2)
Archeological (2)
Faithful Wife or Dog? (2)
Just Desserts (1)
Lazy kangaroo (1)

spacer40Votes: 30


*Thanks to all who posted an entry.. congrats to karynsong and **Lover of Darkness** for winning 1st and 2nd place respectively
Winners token will be issued here: Recognition Tokens db
spacer40
(#5498776) Re: public service announcement
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 10 May 2023 at 8:54PM
And it took you till May to make the announcement Laughing
(#5498752) Re: public service announcement
Posted by marcmandy on 10 May 2023 at 7:39PM

➡️😃LOL😄⬅️

Perfect timing!!
(#5498738) public service announcement
Posted by bestgremlin on 10 May 2023 at 7:24PM

(#5497249) Re: Time to Vote - What is your favorite funniest joke of all time?
Posted by jroyster on 6 May 2023 at 7:26AM
TOUGH vote! I thought there were four really funs this round.
(#5497042) Time to Vote - What is your favorite funniest joke of all time?
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 5 May 2023 at 12:00PM
Vote for your favorite "funniest joke of all time"
The 1st and 2nd place winners will receive jokes board tokens Smiling
Thanks to all who submitted a joke, and thank you to those who voted! High five
(#5495496) Faithful Wife or Dog?
Posted by Silkwood on 30 Apr 2023 at 2:48PM
Ever want to find out who is more faithful.... your wife or your dog?
lock both in the trunk of your car for 6 hours and watch who is happier to see you when you let them out.
(#5495458) Archeological
Posted by laura lee on 30 Apr 2023 at 1:16PM
After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend and said, "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."
(#5494919) Re: My Four Husbands
Posted by jroyster on 28 Apr 2023 at 6:13PM
Knocked it out of the park!!! Laughing
(#5494821) My Four Husbands
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 28 Apr 2023 at 11:22AM
🚩 Submitted by karynsong
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002304281056461.jpg }
The local news station was interviewing an 90-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 90, and then about her new husband's occupation
"He's a funeral director," she answered
"Interesting," the newsman thought
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 90's - a funeral director
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers

(Wait for it)..

She smiled and explained, ”I married one for the money,

two for the show,

three to get ready,

and four to go" Winking 1
spacer40
(#5494811) How is the patient doing?
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 28 Apr 2023 at 9:29AM
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 26 Apr 2023 at 9:30PM

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
spacer40
(#5494806) Pug
Posted by rabbitoid on 28 Apr 2023 at 8:56AM
My husband begged me to get him a dog, so I brought home a pug last night. Despite the wrinkly face, bulging eyes, squashed snout and rolls of fat, the dog really seemed to like him.
(#5494611) Re: A Blond joke Smiling
Posted by jroyster on 27 Apr 2023 at 2:36PM
You know it's good when you share it with a blonde and the laugh hard.
(#5494576) open theme joke
Posted by Fian on 27 Apr 2023 at 11:51AM
Pay met his friend Hike and asked him, "How's the new job coming, Mike?" "I was fired!" "On Monday I was hired to put those oval shaped stickers on fruit. I was paid twenty cents for each one I did. The first day I was assigned apples and I whole market full. I was congratulated on my speed. The next day I was assigned grapefruits and again I was congratulated on my speed. The next day I was allowed to pick my own fruit and at the end of the day I was fired. I picked grapes."
(#5494424) Re: Just Desserts
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 26 Apr 2023 at 6:33PM
Grinning
(#5494423) Re: The funniest joke of all time
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 26 Apr 2023 at 6:32PM
Laughing
(#5494421) Re: The funniest joke of all time
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 26 Apr 2023 at 6:30PM
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
(#5493290) Re: A Blond joke Smiling
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 23 Apr 2023 at 3:38PM
Laughing
(#5493288) Re: A Blond joke Smiling
Posted by ladyvic on 23 Apr 2023 at 3:27PM
Laughing
(#5493286) A Blond joke Smiling
Posted by eliphont551 on 23 Apr 2023 at 3:25PM
A blonde was getting sick of all the blonde jokes that she was hearing at work so one night she decided to go home and learn all of the state capitals of the USA.

She comes into work the next day and proudly claims, "us blondes are smarter than you realize, I know all of the state capitals, test me and I'll tell you the answer".

A fellow worker says, "ok, tell me what is the capital of Arizona?"

The blonde replies "A"
(#5493226) Re: The funniest joke of all time
Posted by Jools on 23 Apr 2023 at 10:08AM
it's one of my faves too
(#5493198) Re: The funniest joke of all time
Posted by marcmandy on 23 Apr 2023 at 8:04AM

That is indeed up there!
(#5493197) The funniest joke of all time
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 23 Apr 2023 at 8:00AM
To me, this is the funniest joke ever with the greatest punchline!
It’s an oldie but goodie and I still laugh every time I read it Smiling
(not for contest)

spacer40It’s Elementary, Watson!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three"
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes? "
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent! "
spacer40
(#5492946) lazy kangaroo
Posted by Jools on 22 Apr 2023 at 12:23PM
Q. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A. A pouch potato.
(#5492906) Just Desserts
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 22 Apr 2023 at 8:44AM
Just desserts

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
(#5492546) Re: Bad Memory Jokes Contest - Poll Results
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 21 Apr 2023 at 5:09AM

spacer40What is the funniest Bad Memory joke?

1*st Place - *What is the name of that restaurant? by Jools (4)
2*nd Place - *A man meets a Native American with flawless memory... by eliphont551 (3)
2*nd Place - *Photographic memory #2 by dgb (3)
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack (2)
When I die by laura lee (2)
Photographic memory #3 by hoof hearted (2)
Motivational speaker by { Player: Lover of Darkness } (1)
Bad memory by hypnotist (1)
Photographic memory by jroyster (0)

spacer40Votes: 18


Trumpet player right Congrats to the winners. 1st place receives a Jokes board profile token. 2nd place receives the 2nd place token
(#5491543) Bad Memory Jokes Contest - Closed
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 17 Apr 2023 at 2:59PM
Thanks to all who have posted a joke. After the voting poll is completed the winners will receive 1st and 2nd place tokens
Good luck 🤞
spacer40
(#5491508) Re: Bad memory
Posted by Jools on 17 Apr 2023 at 1:36PM
I thought there were 3, but I can't remember the 3rd or was it the 4th?
(#5491492) Bad memory
Posted by hypnotist on 17 Apr 2023 at 12:32PM
There are two major drawbacks of getting old, one is that my memory is so bad & the other is that my memory is so bad.
(#5491382) Re: Photgraphic memory
Posted by hoof hearted on 17 Apr 2023 at 7:01AM
I have a photographic memory too. Unfortunately it's digital and it didn't come with a memory card.
(#5491264) Re: Photgraphic memory
Posted by dgb on 16 Apr 2023 at 7:57PM
We all have photographic memory, its just that most of us haven't developed it!
(#5491245) Photgraphic memory
Posted by jroyster on 16 Apr 2023 at 7:50PM
I use to have photographic memory, but I ran out of film years ago.
(#5490919) Re: Ellen DeGeneres - Vintage Standup
Posted by Jools on 15 Apr 2023 at 6:13PM
Never let facts get in the way of a good conspiracy
(#5490917) Last call for bad memory jokes.. voting poll starts Monday
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 15 Apr 2023 at 6:11PM
Any more funny bad memory jokes for the contest? The 1st and 2nd place winners will receive a Jokes Board Profile Token Thumbs up
(#5490906) Re: Ellen DeGeneres - Vintage Standup
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 15 Apr 2023 at 5:36PM
I didn’t take your inappropriate post as an insult. This shouldn’t be a place to post misinformation.. take it to truth social where it belongs
(#5490904) Re: Ellen DeGeneres - Vintage Standup
Posted by hoof hearted on 15 Apr 2023 at 5:18PM
I’m not trying to insult you. I did some research and was surprised. You are correct in that her name wasn’t on the list of this gal could find. It’s interesting who was though. https://youtu.be/QY4UFUobhhs
(#5490888) Re: Ellen DeGeneres - Vintage Standup
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 15 Apr 2023 at 4:37PM
By the way.. the names of people actually on that flight list should not surprise anyone by now. Get your “ alternative facts" straight!
(#5490887) Re: Ellen DeGeneres - Vintage Standup
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 15 Apr 2023 at 4:34PM
This is exactly how lies and misinformation is spread on the internet.. someone reads a lie, then without any proof decide it’s a great idea to post this on social media. Brilliant!
I wonder how many people will read this lie about Ellen DeGeneres and believe it?
USA Today Fact Check: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2020/07/30/fact-check-teigen-degeneres-oprah-not-epstein-flight-logs/5494709002/
spacer40
(#5490879) Re: Ellen DeGeneres - Vintage Standup
Posted by hoof hearted on 15 Apr 2023 at 4:08PM
I stopped liking her when it was revealed her name is on the Epstein flight logs several times.
(#5490351) Re: Ellen DeGeneres - Vintage Standup
Posted by Jools on 14 Apr 2023 at 12:04AM
Some excellent advice
(#5490331) Re: Phyllis Diller - Words To Live By
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Apr 2023 at 8:46PM
Oops! Hit the back key two too many times Blushing
(#5490306) Re: Phyllis Diller - Words To Live By
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Apr 2023 at 4:51PM

spacer40On Beauty:

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 36 get-well cards.
Photos of me don't do me justice. They just look like me.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his dressing room.
I'm glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I'd be rotten to the core.
I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a darn.
No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

spacer40On Husband Fang:

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up!
His breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.
If Fang had a brain operation, it would be minor surgery.
Fang is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."
The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.
Fang always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

spacer40On Housework and Cooking:

They say that housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.
The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

spacer40On Aging:

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle - ‘Keep away from children’.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
spacer40
(#5490305) Re: Phyllis Diller - Words To Live By
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Apr 2023 at 4:51PM

spacer40On Beauty:

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 36 get-well cards.
Photos of me don't do me justice. They just look like me.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his dressing room.
I'm glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I'd be rotten to the core.
I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a darn.
No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

spacer40On Husband Fang:

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up!
His breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.
If Fang had a brain operation, it would be minor surgery.
Fang is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."
The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.
Fang always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

spacer40On Housework and Cooking:

They say that housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.
The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

spacer40On Aging:

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle - ‘Keep away from children’.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
spacer40
(#5490304) Re: Phyllis Diller - Words To Live By
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Apr 2023 at 4:49PM

spacer40On Beauty:

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 36 get-well cards.
Photos of me don't do me justice. They just look like me.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his dressing room.
I'm glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I'd be rotten to the core.
I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a darn.
No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

spacer40On Husband Fang:

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up!
His breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.
If Fang had a brain operation, it would be minor surgery.
Fang is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."
The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

spacer40On Housework and Cooking:

They say that housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.
The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

spacer40On Aging:

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle - ‘Keep away from children’.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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(#5489967) When I die
Posted by laura lee on 12 Apr 2023 at 3:35PM
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"

Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.

He died at the ripe old age of 98.

After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN... AND I KNOW HE WON'T REMEMBER ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."
(#5489891) A Sunny Day in the Park
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Apr 2023 at 9:18AM
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine as they sat together on a park bench. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years.. chatting, and enjoying each other’s friendship
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for a full minute, and finally with tearful eyes, says, “How soon do you have to know?
(#5489884) Motivational speaker
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 12 Apr 2023 at 8:52AM
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"
(#5489844) What is the name of that restaurant?
Posted by Jools on 12 Apr 2023 at 7:46AM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
(#5489819) An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 12 Apr 2023 at 4:44AM
.
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor. The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, "Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness. Go home, relax a little, and if you're still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can't forget."

Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.

  • "Where are you going?" asks the wife
  • "Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream," replies the husband
  • "Oh, grab me some too, then!"
The man nods his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.

  • "Shouldn't you write it down like the doctor recommended?"
  • "It's just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember."
  • "In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don't ya?" The wife added
Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.

  • "Well shouldn't you write it down?"
  • "It's just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I've got it," the man replies growing weary of this conversation.

He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,

"Well hey, you forgot my toast!"
(#5489818) A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...
Posted by eliphont551 on 12 Apr 2023 at 4:35AM
A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...
When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"
(#5489774) Re: Betty White - No Regrets
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 11 Apr 2023 at 9:00PM
Known for using language to masterful (and often surprising) effect, it's only right that we pay proper tribute to 10 of her best wise words and one-liners:
1. ON THE ART OF A DIRTY JOKE
“Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that—it's got to be funny.”
2. ON HER REGRETS
“I have no regrets at all. None. I consider myself to be the luckiest old broad on two feet.”
3. ON WHETHER SHE'S EVER MADE SOMEONE ANGRY. (SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE, RIGHT?)
“I have two ex-husbands.”
4. ON LIKING OLDER MEN
“I’ve always liked older men. They’re just more attractive to me. Of course, at my age there aren’t that many left!
5. ON HER CULINARY SKILLS
“I’m not a big cook. I only go in the kitchen to feed my dog.”
6. ON HER COLLEAGUES
“I am still to this day star struck. I look out at this audience and I see so many famous faces, but what really boggles my mind is that I actually know many of you. And I’ve worked with quite a few.. maybe had a couple.. and you know who you are.”
7. ON HANDLING GRIEF
“There's no formula. Keep busy with your work and your life. You can't become a professional mourner. It doesn't help you or others. Keep the person in your heart all the time. Replay the good times. Be grateful for the years you had.”
8. ON HOW IT FEELS TO BE CALLED "LEGENDARY"
“I just laugh. Have I got them fooled.”
9. ON HOW SHE STAYS HEALTHY
“I’m a health nut. My favorite food is hot dogs with French fries. And my exercise: I have a two-story house and a very bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs.”
10. ON HARRY HOUDINI
“I not only knew Houdini, but we had a very lovely relationship … I really thought we had something going, and then the son of a gun disappeared!
Rest in Peace, Betty White.. you made us smile
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(#5489580) Re: And the winner is..
Posted by Jools on 11 Apr 2023 at 7:20AM
the old ones are the best Smiling
(#5489571) And the winner is..
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 11 Apr 2023 at 5:53AM

spacer40Poll Results - Vote for your favorite Easter joke

Hare Spray - (14) 1st karynsong
Easter Army - (6) 2nd Jools
Easter Humor - (2)
Easter egg - (0)
Votes: 22
Congrats to our winners. Tokens will be posted to Recognition Tokens today High five
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(#5489534) Ellen DeGeneres - Vintage Standup
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 10 Apr 2023 at 9:30PM
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her!
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada..
Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster"
Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying
Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that path
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system Smiling
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(#5489189) Easter Humor - Time to Vote!
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 9 Apr 2023 at 8:33PM
Thank you to the players who posted an entry.. good luck to all
The poll will be up for 3 days. Please vote now Thumbs up
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(#5488279) Easter Army
Posted by Jools on 7 Apr 2023 at 1:33AM
A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church on Easter day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The parishioner replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
(#5488175) Wouldn’t You Know It!
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 6 Apr 2023 at 2:24PM
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds
Johnny asked them what they were for
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him
"Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go to church and He shows up"
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(#5487781) Easter Humor
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 5 Apr 2023 at 7:07AM
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree.
That makes it a plant.
Therefore, chocolate is salad.
Happy Easter
(#5487776) not for contest but thought it was funny
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 5 Apr 2023 at 6:50AM
A teacher instructing on fractions used the following hypothetical with her class: “A man died, leaving behind 20 million dollars. One-tenth is to go to his wife. One-quarter is to be split evenly between his two children. The rest of his money will be donated to charity. What will each person get?” As the students quietly thought about the problem, one raised his hand and answered, “A lawyer!
(#5487666) Re: Hare Spray (for Easter joke contest)
Posted by Jools on 4 Apr 2023 at 9:20PM
Old un, but a good un
(#5487614) Re: Hare Spray (for Easter joke contest)
Posted by jroyster on 4 Apr 2023 at 6:30PM
Laughing
(#5487598) Hare Spray (for Easter joke contest)
Posted by karynsong on 4 Apr 2023 at 5:36PM
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The woman says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves a paw at the them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair and adds a permanent wave."

Happy Easter!! Smiling
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(#5487552) Easter egg
Posted by eliphont551 on 4 Apr 2023 at 3:26PM
What did the Easter egg ask for at the hair salon?
A new dye-job.
(#5487455) Re: April Fools Day Prank - Poll Closed
Posted by jroyster on 4 Apr 2023 at 11:01AM
Thank you
(#5487387) April Fools Day Prank - Poll Closed
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 4 Apr 2023 at 6:53AM

spacer40 Vote for the funniest April Fools Day Prank

Backup Toilet by Zanda (5) 1st Place
Coworkers Desktop by jroyster (3) 2nd Place
Texting Prank by Silkwood (2)
Diverting Phones by Jools (2)
Police Department Porches by hypnotist (2)
Sugar Bowl with Salt Hoax by hoof hearted (2)
Flat Tire by gertess (2)
Spaghetti Tree Hoax by JohnDerrek (0)

spacer40Votes: 18


Congrats to our first and second place winners! High five
Token prizes will be posted on Recognition Tokens discussion board
Thanks to all who posted an entry
spacer40
(#5487327) They know everything!
Posted by bobby b 71 on 3 Apr 2023 at 8:58PM
Don't you just love those folks that tell you they know everything! And guess what! THEY DO!!! They know everything about nothing and nothing about everything!! Real geniuses aren't they!!
(#5486600) Re: Confusion of Rules
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 1 Apr 2023 at 5:22PM
.
Thank you Mike.
Hugging
(#5486598) Re: Confusion of Rules
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 5:07PM
(unknown photo)
RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack, please accept the Flight of Peace Gift Token 2022 as a peace offering
You have every right to ask a question regarding the rules. In fact, it was actually helpful because I am now in discussion with Judy about how the rules should be worded. It gets tricky
Hopefully I’ll have the modified rules posted soon Thumbs up
(#5486589) Re: Confusion of Rules
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 4:08PM
Me too Smiling
(#5486585) Re: Confusion of Rules
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 1 Apr 2023 at 3:58PM
.
In no way was my post a knock against you Mike, so please don't leave due to my post.

I just never participated on this db in the past so was honestly confused when my jokes were not included in the polls. I'm just trying to figure things out here.
(#5486582) Re: Confusion of Rules
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 3:57PM
I have modified the rules.. should have done this sooner. I will try to get the Top of the Board updated as soon as possible to reflect the changes
RabidWolff, please let me know if this clears things up

spacer40Board Rules:

1. Post your favorite Jokes anytime
2. New themes for upcoming contests for profile tokens will be announced periodically, about twice per month
3. PLEASE click Post a new comment when you enter your joke as it makes it easier to put up a poll
4. If you won the last contest, you will not be eligible for the next one to give all an equal chance
5. Only one entry per player will be eligible. If a player posts more than one, the first joke will be used
spacer40
(#5486579) Re: Confusion of Rules
Posted by jroyster on 1 Apr 2023 at 3:32PM
This board has usually been open to any kind of joke, but there have been times for certain holidays that the board has asked for jokes related to the holiday. At least that's been my take. If no theme has been requested, it's open. I would only say that if a theme is coming up, that plenty of notice is given. And no, not volunteering to host the board.
(#5486577) Re: I’m Taking The Day Off
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 3:22PM
As host, I didn’t think it was proper for my entry to be counted. I thought the example prank story might motivate players to come up with their own ideas. In fact, it did.. I voted for Texting Prank by silkwood. It was original (mine was not) and it made me laugh. I also liked the Spaghetti Tree.. hilarious!
They all were great and I was happy to have 8 entries, although a few were posted in General Chat in error, so I moved them here for the contest. That is why a few of the entries had names attached.. I should have removed the names when I created the poll
Live and learn 🥴
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(#5486575) Re: Confusion of Rules
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 3:13PM
Sorry for the confusion. I planned to announce a new theme for the next contest when the current contest is completed. It seemed to me players could post jokes on any subject between contests, just for a laugh
But you’re right.. the rules should be more explicit
No excuses. I’m not cut out to be a discussion board host. In fact, if anyone would like to take over the hosting duties, please contact eliphont551 with your request
I’ll be leaving this db after the winner(s) for the April Fools Day contest is announced
Thanks
(#5486557) Re: April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by Hillbilly on 1 Apr 2023 at 2:51PM
This is so funny! I can just picture his exasperation because nothing was working! Laughing
(#5486556) Confusion of Rules
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 1 Apr 2023 at 2:44PM
.
I guess I'm confused about the rules for this board. I was under the impression that you just posted a joke and it would be included in the poll. So far I have posted two or three jokes and none of them have been included in a poll.

The current poll is for April Fools Day Pranks. Did I miss a posting that said the poll topic was only on April Fools Day Pranks?

Is this board only to post jokes on specific topics?
If that is the case can it be made more clear what the current topic is?
(#5486553) Re: I’m Taking The Day Off
Posted by jroyster on 1 Apr 2023 at 2:34PM
I thought the example April Fools should have been in the voting, it was the best one.
(#5486542) I’m Taking The Day Off
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 2:23PM
From the Blog of WONRHAF { Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002304011355231.gif } (Written on 13 Feb 2015)
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002304011420041.jpg }
An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
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(#5486291) Time to Vote! 1 April 2023
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 2:00AM
Vote for the funniest April Fools Day Prank
The 1st and 2nd place April Fools Day Stories or Jokes will win a random Jokes DB Profile Token
The poll will close on 4 April 2023
Thanks to all who entered a prank story.. good luck!
spacer40
(#5486290) Flat Tire by gertess
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 1:53AM
Posted by gertess on 28 Mar 2023 at 2:28PM

the funniest one when my son told his dad he had a flat tire and he really did in the back drivers side
(#5486289) Coworkers Desktop by jroyster
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Apr 2023 at 1:38AM
Posted by jroyster on 28 Mar 2023 at 8:34PM

I copied my coworkers desktop to a jpg file then loaded it as his desktop background. My laughing finally gave it away. (I wasn't too mean, I saved his desktop.ini so he could recover it.)
(#5485877) The animals are at it too
Posted by Jools on 31 Mar 2023 at 1:41AM
It's not just us humans that are up for a hoax
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-hampshire-65123453
(#5485854) Re: Sugar Bowl with Salt Hoax by Hoof Hearted
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 30 Mar 2023 at 9:42PM
Thumbs up
(#5485819) Re: Sugar Bowl with Salt Hoax by Hoof Hearted
Posted by hoof hearted on 30 Mar 2023 at 9:32PM
Thanks for fixing that for me. ☺️
(#5485807) Sugar Bowl with Salt Hoax by Hoof Hearted
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 30 Mar 2023 at 8:57PM
Posted by hoof hearted on 30 Mar 2023 at 11:50PM

I have swapped out the sugar in the sugar bowl for salt. Honestly, it’s difficult to keep from laughing as your intended victim says it’s not funny. 🤣
(#5485806) Re: Spaghetti Tree Hoax by JohnDerrek
Posted by hoof hearted on 30 Mar 2023 at 8:50PM
I have swapped out the sugar in the sugar bowl for salt. Honestly, it’s difficult to keep from laughing as your intended victim says it’s not funny. 🤣
(#5485785) Re: Spaghetti Tree Hoax by JohnDerrek
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 30 Mar 2023 at 7:41PM
spacer40Laughing
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(#5485780) Re: Spaghetti Tree Hoax by JohnDerrek
Posted by bestgremlin on 30 Mar 2023 at 6:41PM
And the purported BBC reporter on the Spaghetti-Tree story was not a real reporter.
He was an im-pasta.
(#5485628) Spaghetti Tree Hoax by JohnDerrek
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 30 Mar 2023 at 8:27AM
This is one of the best :-The spaghetti-tree hoax was a three-minute hoax report broadcast on April Fools' Day 1957 by the BBC current-affairs programme Panorama, purportedly showing a family in southern Switzerland harvesting spaghetti from the family "spaghetti tree". At the time spaghetti was relatively unknown in the UK, so many British people were unaware that it is made from wheat flour and water; a number of viewers afterwards contacted the BBC for advice on growing their own spaghetti trees. Decades later, CNN called this broadcast "the biggest hoax that any reputable news establishment ever pulled"
(#5484991) Police department Porches
Posted by hypnotist on 28 Mar 2023 at 9:56PM
This story goes back a couple of decades & illustrates the power of the media to mislead the public.

I was still married to my ex at the time, & was headed somewhere with her brother, my brother in law. A sad trait of that family is that collectively & individually they only ever laugh at the expense of other people's pain, discomfort, or suffering but otherwise see no humour in anything. So suddenly, out of the blue, my brother in law comments that it's been months now since the announcement in the media that a local millionaire was donating a number of Porches to the police department to enable them to catch people who drove too fast & recklessly but escaped capture because their cars were faster than the PD cars, & he's been keeping his eyes open for a glimpse of these fast new PD cars but hasn't seen any yet, & asked if I had seen any?

I looked at him & said, "That story was published on April 1st."

"Oh."

<facepalm>
(#5484947) Re: April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by jroyster on 28 Mar 2023 at 5:36PM
I don't think it was for April Fools, but it's and oldie but goodie to put a cup of water on top of a slightly ajar door, then invite someone into the room.
(#5484946) Re: April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by jroyster on 28 Mar 2023 at 5:34PM
I copied my coworkers desktop to a jpg file then loaded it as his desktop background. My laughing finally gave it away. (I wasn't too mean, I saved his desktop.ini so he could recover it.)
(#5484831) Backup toilet
Posted by Zanda on 28 Mar 2023 at 11:35AM
A friend who is always tryng to prank me, came over. Little did he know I had put some instant coffee in the toilet boil and I just waited for him to flush. The fun I had accusing him with filling my toilet with a ton of number 2 after he tried to find words to tell me the toilet was backed up.
(#5484771) Diverting phones
Posted by Jools on 28 Mar 2023 at 6:51AM
Many offices have the ability to divert phones from one extension to another and I've used this as a prank before.
Get into the office early and go to each phone and divert it to one extension. When the calls start coming in, they will wonder why they are getting everyone's calls
(#5484769) Texting Prank
Posted by Silkwood on 28 Mar 2023 at 6:43AM
Text a friend that you have something to tell them. Wait for them to respond, and then send a GIF of the texting dots—the familiar symbol that lets us know the person is typing their response. (Google “texting dots” and download the GIF.) They’ll keep looking at the phone, anxiously waiting for what you’re about to confess. Once they take a closer look, they’ll realize it’s actually a GIF of the texting dots.
(#5484753) Re: April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by jd91 on 28 Mar 2023 at 5:30AM
Too many to choose from.
(#5484751) Re: April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 28 Mar 2023 at 5:25AM
No worries here. Feel free to post one Thumbs up
(#5484749) Re: April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by jd91 on 28 Mar 2023 at 5:22AM
I'm quadriplegic.

Don't worry, I don't need any help when it comes to pranks.
(#5484591) Re: April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 27 Mar 2023 at 1:50PM
Are you paraplegic? If so, maybe you could set up a prank on your caregiver Winking 3
(#5484546) Re: April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by jd91 on 27 Mar 2023 at 11:58AM
Won't work on me, I use the computer with my eyes, not a mouse.
(#5484541) April Fools Pranks - Example
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 27 Mar 2023 at 11:29AM
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002303271125461.jpg }
For this one, cut a tiny piece of paper to fit undetected under your target’s computer mouse. Write “Gotcha!” on it then stick it on the device with some tape. When they try to use the mouse, it won’t work. A peek at the bottom of their mouse will let them know they’ve been pranked
spacer40
(#5484369) Re: And that's when the fight started...
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 26 Mar 2023 at 9:32PM
A friend of mine won the Grand Prize on Wheel of Fortune! After the show he hurried home, burst through the front door and excitedly shouted to his wife, "Honey, I just won 50 Thousand Dollars on The Wheel of Fortune!"
"Pack your bags!" Grinning
She couldn’t believe it and said, "Oh, that’s wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains!?"
He replied, “I don’t care.. just pack your bags and get out!"
spacer40
(#5484366) Re: Titanic - 3D Effect
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 26 Mar 2023 at 9:15PM
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002303262112531.jpg }
spacer40
(#5483804) Titanic
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 25 Mar 2023 at 5:56AM
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
(#5483164) And that's when the fight started...
Posted by jroyster on 22 Mar 2023 at 6:55PM
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
(#5483122) Courting
Posted by Fian on 22 Mar 2023 at 4:16PM
'Son, where are you going with that lantern?' 'I'm going out to meet a girl, my father.' 'Son, I never carried a lantern when I went courting.' 'I know, father, and look what you got.'
(#5481722) Re: I Hate it When That Happens
Posted by jroyster on 19 Mar 2023 at 6:22PM
Agreed!
(#5481531) Re: I Hate it When That Happens
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 19 Mar 2023 at 1:27PM
And WIPE YOUR FEET before you come in! 🦘 🦘
(#5481517) Re: I Hate it When That Happens
Posted by eliphont551 on 19 Mar 2023 at 12:56PM
Falling
(#5481515) Re: I Hate it When That Happens
Posted by Begadoonie on 19 Mar 2023 at 12:55PM
Very good Thumbs up
(#5481486) I Hate it When That Happens
Posted by LittleTree on 19 Mar 2023 at 12:19PM

After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.
When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside!
(#5480461) Re: Tax Time
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 17 Mar 2023 at 1:34PM
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002303171331331.jpg }
Laughing Yes, that’s exactly what the middle class and poor will pay while the rich just got another big tax cut!
spacer40
(#5480405) Tax Time
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 17 Mar 2023 at 12:11PM
.
According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.
(#5480373) Re: Everybody’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day
Posted by Lil Red on 17 Mar 2023 at 10:19AM
WHAT DOES A LEPRECHAUN EAT FOR LUNCH? A BA-LARNEY SANDWICH.
(#5480325) They are how old? Smiling
Posted by eliphont551 on 17 Mar 2023 at 8:05AM
How old are leprechauns?

So old that they can remember when rainbows were black and white
(#5480297) Re: Everybody’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day
Posted by eliphont551 on 17 Mar 2023 at 6:06AM
LOL Very true! Smiling
(#5480296) Re: Everybody’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day
Posted by LittleTree on 17 Mar 2023 at 6:05AM
Laughing
(#5480187) Everybody’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 16 Mar 2023 at 9:59PM
🍀 Happy St Patrick’s Day
spacer40
(#5480035) Re: Better Knock on Wood
Posted by Lil Red on 16 Mar 2023 at 2:26PM
Yes, loved it! ROFL!
(#5479700) Re: Better Knock on Wood
Posted by eliphont551 on 15 Mar 2023 at 2:12PM
Laughing Good one!!
(#5479583) Better Knock on Wood
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 15 Mar 2023 at 7:46AM
There were three sisters living together 82, 84 and 85 years old. The oldest went upstairs one evening to take a bath. As she was getting in the tub with one foot in and one foot out, she called down to her sisters,
"Am I getting in the tub or am I getting out of the tub?"
The 84 year old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped, then called out,
"Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"
The 82 year old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she'd better knock on wood, and as she knocked twice on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as forgetful as my sisters"
"Now, was that the front door or the back door?" Puzzled
spacer40
(#5479406) Re: 🍀 Poll Closed
Posted by **YANKEE ROSE*JR FRANK PAB on 14 Mar 2023 at 7:37PM
Ty happy st patty 2 u
(#5479374) Re: 🍀 Poll Closed
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 14 Mar 2023 at 5:52PM
Results will be posted at the top of the board soon
Thanks to all who voted.. have a happy St Paddy’s Day
spacer40
(#5476944) Re: 🍀 Time to Vote
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 9 Mar 2023 at 9:07AM
bestgremlin,
After a second look at the joke, I now realize it is on topic.. the “sham”poo is the play on words. My apologies for missing that
Because of my mistake, please except a St Patrick’s Day profile token.. I will post this request in Recognition Tokens
(#5476897) Re: 🍀 Time to Vote
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 9 Mar 2023 at 6:59AM
There were only 3 "St Paddy’s Day" jokes submitted as new posts. Your joke was in reply to a post, and it doesn’t seem to be on topic. Sorry for the confusion
spacer40
(#5476715) Re: 🍀 Time to Vote
Posted by bestgremlin on 8 Mar 2023 at 5:53PM
The poll is flawed because it did not include the joke with header "Re: An Irish diamond". Please restart the poll.
(#5476528) 🍀 Time to Vote
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 8 Mar 2023 at 4:55AM
Vote for the funniest St Patrick’s Day joke. The player who receives the most votes for their entry will receive a St Patrick’s Day profile token
This poll will be open until 16 March 2023
Good luck!
spacer40
(#5476246) 🍀 Last call..
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 7 Mar 2023 at 6:21AM
..to post your favorite St Patrick’s Day jokes
A poll to vote for the winning joke will be posted Wednesday, 8 March. Good luck
spacer40
(#5474917) English Language Lovers
Posted by jroyster on 3 Mar 2023 at 7:05AM
What is the difference between "Complete" and "Finished"? No dictionary had been able to define the difference between "Complete" and "Finished."

But in a linguistic conference in England, Sun Sherman an Indian American, was the clever winner. His response:

"When you marry the right woman, you are "Complete." If you marry the wrong woman, you are "Finished." And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are "Completely Finished."

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
(#5474909) Re: Another Miracle
Posted by eliphont551 on 3 Mar 2023 at 6:29AM
Groan!
(#5474905) Another Miracle
Posted by LittleTree on 3 Mar 2023 at 6:22AM

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Oh My! He's done it again!"
(#5474899) Re: An Irish diamond
Posted by bestgremlin on 3 Mar 2023 at 5:46AM
My wife sent me to the store to get shampoo. One of these years, I hope to be able to afford to get her real poo.
(#5474895) An Irish diamond
Posted by eliphont551 on 3 Mar 2023 at 5:34AM
What do you call a fake Irish diamond?

A shamrock
(#5474251) February Poll Closed
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 1 Mar 2023 at 4:48AM

spacer40 Vote for your favorite joke from February entries

spacer40Poll Closed 28 Feb

1st Kids... (6) Congrats to eliphont551 spacer40
2nd Too Tired To Think (3)
2nd Worry (3)
At the Library (1)
Better Luck Next Time (1)
Why can't you (1)
How do you (0)
Votes: 15
spacer40
(#5474219) St Patrick's redecoration
Posted by Jools on 1 Mar 2023 at 3:10AM
With Patrick's day approaching Seamus decided to brighten his lounge with some new shamrock wallpaper. Unsure how many rolls he would need he decided to ask his neighbour.
"Hey Paddy, as our houses are the same, when you wallpapered your lounge last year how many rolls did you buy?"
"12 rolls" replied Paddy
So Seamus went to to DIY store and bought 12 rolls of wallpaper.
A few days later when he had finished he spoke to his neighbour again.
"Paddy you said you bought 12 rolls when you papered your lounge, but when I did mine I had 3 rolls left over"
"Well don't you know Seamus that's odd - so did I!!!"
(#5474147) Re: Funniest Joke Contest - New Topic for March 1st
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 28 Feb 2023 at 9:03PM
Or, maybe the jokes on me ;)
(#5474115) Re: Funniest Joke Contest - New Topic for March 1st
Posted by jroyster on 28 Feb 2023 at 6:22PM
You're joking, right Laughing
(#5474098) Re: Funniest Joke Contest - New Topic for March 1st
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 28 Feb 2023 at 5:45PM
Due to a minor misunderstanding, I now understand we have just 8 tokens per year to award as prizes. Currently we have 6 tokens (displayed atop this board) and we’ll have 2 more in June. I hope we can negotiate an increase in this number with GT but for now we will have to plan accordingly
This mean we will have just one contest per month, not two. Sorry for the misinformation
(#5474064) Current club poll closing soon..
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 28 Feb 2023 at 3:42PM
The current club poll will close tonight (28 Feb) and the winner will be posted tomorrow morning (1 Mar)
Then the next contest will begin
(#5474063) Funniest Joke Contest - New Topic for March 1st
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 28 Feb 2023 at 3:36PM
Thanks to Badger and eliphont551 for offering the host duties for this board to me. I’ve been tasked with setting up monthly or bimonthly contests with Profile Tokens as prizes. I’ve decided to post a new topic twice a month
I will announce the 1st topic on the 1st day of the month, then after 7 days I will create a poll on this board so that players may vote for their favorite joke. The poll will remain active for 7 days, then a winner will be announced
I will then announce the next topic on the 15th day of the month. After 7 days I will create a new poll so that players may vote for their favorite joke. The poll will be up for 7 days, then a new winner will be announced
This process will repeat each month so there will always be two winners per month. Hopefully our incredible graphic design team will keep those board-specific tokens coming.. I’d like to give away at least 24 per year in our poll contests, and I will also create other ways to make this board fun and interesting for all subscribers
Your ideas and suggestions are always welcome Thumbs up
The topic for March 1st is:

spacer40St Patrick’s Day Jokes 🍀

You may begin posting your best St Patrick’s Day jokes now (1 day early), but remember.. Post your jokes as a NEW COMMENT, not as a reply to a previous message
Thank you, and have fun!
spacer40
(#5473985) Board Games
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 28 Feb 2023 at 1:10PM
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.

He doesn’t have a Clue.
(#5473984) At The Bank
Posted by Silkwood on 28 Feb 2023 at 1:02PM
Today at the Bank, an elderly lady asked me to check her balance......So I pushed her over..
(#5473535) Re: Top of the Board - Error
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 27 Feb 2023 at 5:35AM
Corrected
(#5473389) Top of the Board - Error
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 26 Feb 2023 at 6:56PM
Should read Please post your joke as a NEW post
spacer40
(#5473070) Why can't you
Posted by Sundrop kid on 25 Feb 2023 at 9:51PM
Hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?







Because the p is silent
(#5472969) Worry
Posted by eliphont551 on 25 Feb 2023 at 3:47PM
Worrying works...
90% of the things I worry about never happen!

(#5472682) How do you
Posted by Sundrop kid on 24 Feb 2023 at 9:59PM
organize a space party




you planet
(#5472601) Kids...
Posted by eliphont551 on 24 Feb 2023 at 3:53PM
Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
(#5472472) At the Library
Posted by bestgremlin on 24 Feb 2023 at 9:34AM
A library customer, looking very nervous, quietly asked the Librarian where he could find books about paranoia. In reply, she whispered: "They're right behind you."
(#5472436) Too Tired To Think
Posted by eliphont551 on 24 Feb 2023 at 7:08AM
8am: Too tired to think.
Noon: Too tired to think.
5pm: Too tired to think.
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

(#5472434) Better Luck Next Time
Posted by LittleTree on 24 Feb 2023 at 7:01AM
In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”
(#5472085) Looking for someone to take his place..
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 23 Feb 2023 at 6:40AM
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.. A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2023 Super Bowl LVII, both box seats
He paid $11,500 each. It comes with a limo ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner and $400.00 bar tab. Also a back stage pass to the winners locker room
He didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place..
It's at Grace Baptist Church, Santa Clarita at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'6", about 125 lbs, and a good cook. She also loves to fish and hunt
She'll be the one in the white dress!
spacer40
(#5471263) Re: Gods and Goddesses soon to be forgotten
Posted by Jools on 21 Feb 2023 at 11:32AM
wyphidite - temperamental goddess of communication
(#5471231) Gods and Goddesses soon to be forgotten
Posted by bestgremlin on 21 Feb 2023 at 8:32AM
Here are some Gods and Goddesses of the modern era who are in danger of soon being forgotten. Can you name some others?

Xerox - god of duplication

Operator - goddess of the wired telephone

Gas-Station-Attendant - god of full service

Sears - goddess of in-person retail

Civility - god of reasoned debate

Comfort - goddess of airplane seating

-- bestgremlin
(#5468472) Re: Valentine's Day Contest - Question #5 - CLOSED
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 14 Feb 2023 at 4:18PM

spacer40Answer: Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!"

spacer40Winners:

4 of 5 players got the correct answer and have won the profile token High five
spacer40
(#5468271) Valentine's Day Contest - Question #5
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 14 Feb 2023 at 7:03AM
#5 Which famous male comedian said the following joke:
"My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!"
    • Don Rickles
    • Rodney Dangerfield
    • Jerry Seinfeld

Rules:
Please do not post your answer here. Message your answer to Avatar 6453
All correct answers will receive the Valentine’s Day profile token shown above
If you have already won a token on this board, please don't enter any more trivia answers here as you can only win one token per board
This trivia question will be active for at least 4 hours starting from the time of this post
spacer40
(#5468157) Re: Trivia Question #4 - CLOSED
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Feb 2023 at 8:47PM
Which famous female comedian said the following joke?
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made"
    • Ellen DeGeneres
    • Phyllis Diller
    • Joan Rivers ✔️

spacer40Can we talk?


Winners:
spacer40
(#5467971) Trivia Question #4
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Feb 2023 at 9:58AM
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002302130955451.jpg }
Which famous female comedian said the following joke?
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made"
    • Ellen DeGeneres
    • Phyllis Diller
    • Joan Rivers
Rules:
Please do not post your answer here. Message your answer to Avatar 6453
All correct answers will receive the Valentine’s Day profile token shown above
If you have already won a token on this board, please don't enter any more trivia answers here as you can only win one token per board
This trivia question will be active for at least 4 hours starting from the time of this post
spacer40
(#5467967) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by LittleTree on 13 Feb 2023 at 9:34AM

OK, guys, thanks for the Valentine jokes! We now have our five entries!

THIS CONTEST IS CLOSED! STAY TUNED FOR MORE CONTESTS!

(#5467956) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by jroyster on 13 Feb 2023 at 9:10AM
What did the painter tell his girlfriend? "I love you with all my art."
(#5467954) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by LittleTree on 13 Feb 2023 at 9:05AM

Thank you, Mike, it is much appreciated! Please post your contests anytime!

Only 1 more joke needed, guys, to win the board's valentine token! High five
(#5467950) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by jroyster on 13 Feb 2023 at 8:59AM
What did the painter tell his girlfriend? "I love you with all my art."
(#5467947) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Feb 2023 at 8:44AM
Glasses Okay, thank you. I still retract my answer. I’ll post another trivia question soon Thumbs up
(#5467946) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 13 Feb 2023 at 8:35AM
What did one oar tell the other oar?
This is so row-mantic
(#5467943) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by **YANKEE ROSE*JR FRANK PAB on 13 Feb 2023 at 8:23AM
My wife told me 2 stop acting like a flamingo so I but my foot down
(#5467939) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by ladyvic on 13 Feb 2023 at 8:17AM
She said first 5 players Mike so you should be able to win also
(#5467937) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Feb 2023 at 8:13AM
I’ve been politely asked to continue helping out on this board, and I’ve agreed to stay
Therefore, I retract my answer to this post and ladyvic should win the token Thumbs up
spacer40
(#5467912) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by ladyvic on 13 Feb 2023 at 7:37AM
"What's Cupid's favorite band?" "Kiss!"
(#5467906) Re: Win a Valentine Token
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Feb 2023 at 7:07AM
How did the squirrel get her Valentine's attention?
"She acted like a nut"
(#5467904) Win a Valentine Token
Posted by LittleTree on 13 Feb 2023 at 7:04AM

It's almost Valentine's Day! Win this board's token before time runs out and try to win all 13 for the special Valentine's all time winner token.

The first 5 players to post a short Valentine's joke on here wins the board Valentine token!



If you have already won this board's Valentine token, please do not enter to give all an equal chance. Thanks for understanding. Offering flower
(#5467857) Re: Valentine's Day Trivia Question #3 - CLOSED
Posted by Candy Cane Kaz on 13 Feb 2023 at 5:47AM
Thank you!
(#5467853) Re: Valentine's Day Trivia Question #3 - CLOSED
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 13 Feb 2023 at 5:36AM
Yes, I had 2 questions going at once.. sorry for the mixup. I’ll post the correct winners to the Recognition Tokens board


#3 - The first Valentine's Day celebration occurred in Paris. What was the year?
A) February 14, 1400✔️
B) February 14, 1600
C) February 14 1800
Winners:
Candy Cane Kaz
squiggy2
spacer40
(#5467828) Re: Valentine's Day Trivia Question #3 - CLOSED
Posted by Candy Cane Kaz on 13 Feb 2023 at 3:34AM
I think maybe you've got questions muddled up as the answer should be a year?
(#5467750) Re: We have a winner
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Feb 2023 at 8:29PM
Congrats bestgremlin, we’ll done
(#5467748) Re: Next time you have a contest on this board......
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Feb 2023 at 8:24PM
I was asked to help out on this board. I think my time is over.. I pass the reins back to monkeytyper
All the best to pepper
(#5467723) Re: Valentine's Day Trivia Question #3 - CLOSED
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Feb 2023 at 6:11PM

spacer40The correct answer is B) 220,000

Winners:
RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack
jroyster
Hillbilly
HeartOnFire
Bullets9mm
spacer40
(#5467716) We have a winner
Posted by monkeytyper on 12 Feb 2023 at 5:53PM
for the best joke on the poll..Congrats to bestgremlinI will make sure you receive your token.
(#5467648) Re: Next time you have a contest on this board......
Posted by Games Administrator on 12 Feb 2023 at 2:43PM
Just write to GoldToken Support to have chumps removed.
Another alternative is to contact monkeytyper to see if she can relay the information to Mike.
(#5467625) Re: Next time you have a contest on this board......
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Feb 2023 at 1:38PM
I don’t know what pepperbeach said, but she can "unchump" me anytime she likes. I have exactly one person on my list and it’s not her
spacer40
(#5467607) Re: Next time you have a contest on this board......
Posted by Jools on 12 Feb 2023 at 11:48AM
maybe if the chump rules weren't so daft it wouldn't be a problem
(#5467598) Next time you have a contest on this board......
Posted by pepperbeach on 12 Feb 2023 at 11:36AM
Perhaps you should have someone to run this contest who doesn't have anyone on their chumps list. It is not fair to anyone on this site not to be able to participate in these contest if that person is running it has a chump list full of people who cannot see the messages.

What a situation....Foul not fair...
(#5467579) Re: Valentine’s Day Trivia Question #2 - CLOSED
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 12 Feb 2023 at 10:51AM
Thanks Mike.
(#5467553) Valentine's Day Trivia Question #3
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Feb 2023 at 8:52AM
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002302120807351.jpg }

The first Valentine's Day celebration occurred in Paris. What was the year?
A) February 14, 1400
B) February 14, 1623
C) February 14 1801

Rules:
Please do not post your answer here. Message your answer to Avatar 6453
All correct answers will receive the Valentine’s Day profile token shown above
If you have already won a token on this board, please don't enter any more trivia answers here as you can only win one token per board
This trivia question will be active for at least 4 hours starting from the time of this post
spacer40
(#5467547) Re: Valentine’s Day Trivia Question #2 - CLOSED
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Feb 2023 at 8:26AM
According to 1 website the answer is 1 billion
If you type the question "According to Hallmark, how many Valentine's Day cards are exchanged every year?" into your search window, the most common answer is 145 million. Before these discussion board contests began, I searched Valentine’s Day Trivia Questions into my search window and found this website:
https://www.bustle.com/life/valentines-day-trivia-questions-zoom-parties
I used Question #10 and the answer given is 1 billion. A few players have brought the discrepancy to my attention and I agree the answer is most likely 145 million
I’ve decided to close Question #2 early and award the token to the players who’ve responded so far:

RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack
jroyster
Hillbilly
HeartOnFire
spacer40
(#5467487) Valentine’s Day Trivia Question #2
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Feb 2023 at 6:20AM
{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002302120615301.jpg }
According to Hallmark, how many Valentine's Day cards are exchanged every year?
A) 1 million
B) 1 billion
C) 1 trillion

Rules:
Please do not post your answer here. Message your answer to Avatar 6453
All correct answers will receive the Valentine’s Day profile token shown above
1 If you have already won a token on this board, please don't enter any more trivia answers here as you can only win one token per board
This trivia question will be active for at least 4 hours starting from the time of this post
spacer40
(#5467465) Re: Valentine’s Day Trivia Contest - Question #1 - CLOSED
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 12 Feb 2023 at 5:14AM
bestgremlin also submitted the correct answer for this trivia question
(#5467239) Re: Words to live by..
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 11 Feb 2023 at 3:05PM
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
spacer40
(#5467224) Re: The Funniest Joke of All Time!
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 11 Feb 2023 at 2:50PM

spacer40It’s Elementary

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe"
"What does it tell you, Holmes? "
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent! "
*
(#5467217) Re: Valentine’s Day Trivia Contest - Question #1 - CLOSED
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 11 Feb 2023 at 2:40PM

spacer40Who invented the first Valentine's Day candy box?

{ Image: www.goldtoken.com/pics/albums/photo108002302111434301.jpg }
A) Richard Cadbury ✔️
B) Milton Hershey
C) Candace Cane

spacer40Winners:

High five Way to go!!
Cadbury’s is still one of the top sellers in Valentine’s Chocolates around the world
spacer40
(#5467089) Valentine’s Day Trivia Contest - Question #1
Posted by Avatar 6453 on 11 Feb 2023 at 7:12AM

spacer40Who invented the first Valentine's Day candy box?

A) Richard Cadbury
B) Milton Hershey
C) Candace Cane

Rules:
Please do not post your answer here. Message your answer to Avatar 6453
All correct answers will receive the Valentine’s Day profile token shown above
This trivia question will be active for at least 4 hours starting from the time of this post
spacer40
(#5465175) Re: Jokes are ready for your vote..
Posted by **YANKEE ROSE*JR FRANK PAB on 6 Feb 2023 at 9:01AM
Lol
(#5465172) Jokes are ready for your vote..
Posted by monkeytyper on 6 Feb 2023 at 8:56AM
1..An Irishman marooned on a deserted island for over 10 years, sees a speck on the horizon drifting his way. What emerged from the surf was a wet-suited black clad figure. After taking some of the scuba off, there stood a gorgeous blond woman!

She strides up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

She unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Sweet Mother," says the man, "I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of whiskey", she asked asked.

The castaway replied, "Ten years."

So, she reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and hands him a flask. He has a long drink. "Magic, truly fantastic!!!" says the Irishman.

At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. Smiling she looks at the trembling man and asks: "Now, how long has it been since you played around???"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed:
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"

2..Condoms don't always protect. My friend was wearing one when he was hit by a bus.

3..I was going to make a new year's resolution to be less lazy, but I couldn't be bothered

4..
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"


5..Two men walked into a bar. One man said he wanted some H2O. The other man said he wanted some H2O too. The second man died.

6..
My friend went Bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can't part with it

7..
Where does a waitress with only one leg work?

IHOP.

8..
What's a spider's New Year's resolution?
To spend less time on the web!

9..
A little boy opened the big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

10..
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

11..
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
with great anticipating.

Jill came down,
and with a frown,
gave up computer dating.

12..I've just discovered that edam cheese is made backwards; I never realised that before.
(#5464835) Re: Way Too Long
Posted by theoldmaster on 5 Feb 2023 at 7:55AM
Haha
(#5463315) Way Too Long
Posted by bestgremlin on 31 Jan 2023 at 8:13PM
An Irishman marooned on a deserted island for over 10 years, sees a speck on the horizon drifting his way. What emerged from the surf was a wet-suited black clad figure. After taking some of the scuba off, there stood a gorgeous blond woman!

She strides up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

She unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Sweet Mother," says the man, "I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of whiskey", she asked asked.

The castaway replied, "Ten years."

So, she reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and hands him a flask. He has a long drink. "Magic, truly fantastic!!!" says the Irishman.

At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. Smiling she looks at the trembling man and asks: "Now, how long has it been since you played around???"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed:
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"
(#5463139) anymore jokes to post???
Posted by monkeytyper on 31 Jan 2023 at 7:30AM
(#5463043) Re: (no subject)
Posted by Jools on 30 Jan 2023 at 10:49PM
I was going to make a new year's resolution to be less lazy, but I couldn't be bothered
(#5463023) (no subject)
Posted by Oartkickel of the Wolf Pack on 30 Jan 2023 at 8:38PM
Condoms don't always protect. My friend was wearing one when he was hit by a bus.
(#5461359) He's nice
Posted by bestgremlin on 25 Jan 2023 at 6:04PM
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
(#5460982) Re: H202
Posted by Whimjest on 24 Jan 2023 at 9:05AM
Like water, too.
(#5460970) Re: H202
Posted by Jools on 24 Jan 2023 at 8:32AM
depends how much and what you do with it
(#5460900) H202
Posted by Whimjest on 24 Jan 2023 at 4:09AM
I wouldn't want to test it out but would hydrogen peroxide kill a person?
(#5460262) Re: Make Up Your Mind
Posted by theoldmaster on 22 Jan 2023 at 6:49AM
That's a winner!
(#5460260) Re: waitress
Posted by theoldmaster on 22 Jan 2023 at 6:46AM
Haha
(#5458895) (no subject)
Posted by Sundrop kid on 18 Jan 2023 at 4:03AM
Two men walked into a bar. One man said he wanted some H2O. The other man said he wanted some H2O too. The second man died.
(#5458774) Bald
Posted by laura lee on 17 Jan 2023 at 4:50PM
My friend went Bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.

He just can't part with it

(#5458649) waitress
Posted by Silkwood on 17 Jan 2023 at 9:12AM
Where does a waitress with only one leg work?

IHOP.
(#5458627) Spider
Posted by Jools on 17 Jan 2023 at 8:07AM
What's a spider's New Year's resolution?
To spend less time on the web!
(#5458310) The little boy
Posted by eliphont551 on 16 Jan 2023 at 3:16PM
A little boy opened the big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

(#5458196) Make Up Your Mind
Posted by LittleTree on 16 Jan 2023 at 9:35AM

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
(#5455858) Re: Modern romance
Posted by Begadoonie on 9 Jan 2023 at 3:02PM
Mayhaps that caused the frown? Grinning
(#5455845) Re: Modern romance
Posted by foster007 on 9 Jan 2023 at 1:57PM
jack and jill were actually siblings in the original story
(#5455844) Modern romance
Posted by bestgremlin on 9 Jan 2023 at 1:49PM
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
with great anticipating.

Jill came down,
and with a frown,
gave up computer dating.
(#5455613) Re: Making edam cheese
Posted by foster007 on 8 Jan 2023 at 8:51PM
so they make the cow eat the cheese first ?
(#5455612) Making edam cheese
Posted by hypnotist on 8 Jan 2023 at 8:48PM
I've just discovered that edam cheese is made backwards; I never realised that before.
(#5455568) Re: We have a winner
Posted by bestgremlin on 8 Jan 2023 at 4:45PM
Thanks. Number 3 please.
(#5455397) We have a winner
Posted by monkeytyper on 8 Jan 2023 at 8:18AM
Congrats to bestgremlin for your funny joke..and let's start joking around again..
(#5453325) Re: ready to vote
Posted by jroyster on 2 Jan 2023 at 3:56PM
I agree! Great jokes this month!
(#5453218) Re: ready to vote
Posted by marcmandy on 2 Jan 2023 at 10:14AM

Dang!

There are too many really good ones this time! A VERY difficult choice!

STOP BEING SO "DURNED" FUNNY!!!
(#5453186) Re: Happy New Year
Posted by theoldmaster on 2 Jan 2023 at 8:09AM
Good one
(#5453037) Happy New Year
Posted by **Lover of Darkness** on 1 Jan 2023 at 8:47PM
What do you get when you mix champagne and Viagra on New Year’s Eve?
A stiff drink!
(#5452531) ready to vote
Posted by monkeytyper on 31 Dec 2022 at 12:19PM
1..What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense? Wait, there's myrrh.


2..The angels originally planned to have the nativity in Hollywood, but they couldn't find 3 wise men and a...

3..The Police Officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed ... I need bail money.

4..one snowman turns to the other snowman and says, do you smell carrot too ?

5..
Ethel and Bea are well into their 70's. They were the best of friends growing up, were both cheerleaders at their high school, and even roomed together in their college years. Nowadays they get together once a week to play cards. One night, while playing cards this happened:

Bea:" Now don't get mad at me, but for the life of me, I can't recall your name! Do you think you can remind me of what your name is?"
Ethel puts her cards down and just stares at Bea. After a couple of minutes she says, " How soon do you need to know?"

6..
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we
went out to a new restaurant and it was really great...
I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

7..
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”


8..
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves,
one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"


9..
Q. What do you call a bunch of GT chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

10..
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
(#5450504) anymore jokes to post???
Posted by monkeytyper on 26 Dec 2022 at 8:31AM
I'll post what we have to vote on..
(#5450033) Drinking
Posted by jroyster on 24 Dec 2022 at 3:29PM
The Police Officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed ... I need bail money.
(#5448626) Re: Christmas joke
Posted by bestgremlin on 20 Dec 2022 at 2:15PM
The angels originally planned to have the nativity in Hollywood, but they couldn't find 3 wise men and a...
(#5448617) Christmas joke
Posted by Jools on 20 Dec 2022 at 12:54PM
What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense? Wait, there's myrrh.
(#5448523) Memory
Posted by bestgremlin on 20 Dec 2022 at 6:23AM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we
went out to a new restaurant and it was really great...
I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
(#5448432) snoowmen
Posted by foster007 on 20 Dec 2022 at 1:27AM
one snowman turns to the other snowman and says, do you smell carrot too ?
(#5448352) Ethel & Bea
Posted by laura lee on 19 Dec 2022 at 4:26PM
Ethel and Bea are well into their 70's. They were the best of friends growing up, were both cheerleaders at their high school, and even roomed together in their college years. Nowadays they get together once a week to play cards. One night, while playing cards this happened:

Bea:" Now don't get mad at me, but for the life of me, I can't recall your name! Do you think you can remind me of what your name is?"
Ethel puts her cards down and just stares at Bea. After a couple of minutes she says, " How soon do you need to know?"

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