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Posted by HeartOnFire on 19 Feb 2022 at 4:39PM
My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES!! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a set of sockets fell out.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again."
There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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