I had to read it a couple of times

I was looking too deep - for something photographically related.

thirty second birthday

Talk about slow, I still don't get it.

gosh, I'm slow

My briefest birthday was over in a flash, well, half a minute to be precise. It was my 32nd birthday.

As the last theme Love & Romance seemed to be a bit of a flop, with eliphont551 as the only entrant I've decided we won't have themes in future.

So please post any jokes you like and when we have enough for a poll I will set one up.

Remember You've got to be in it, to win it!

So post you jokes for the chance to win a token

to eliphont551
As the only entry you are the automatic winner.

Look out of a winner's token soon

We have a winner!

For the last poll, Vote for you favourite Joke.
Congratulations to PattyMac with her entry What's a Burp? Its a fart that took the elevator with % of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!

Three pieces of string are walking in town and come upon a saloon. They walk in, up to the bar and the first piece of string asks "Could we have three beers?"
The bartender says "I'm afraid we don't serve string".
Dejected and thirsty they walk to the next saloon, up to the bar and the second piece of string demands "Gimme a beer!"
The bartender barks "We don't serve string" and kicks them out.
Even more dejected now and still thirsty the third piece of string says "I have an idea", ties himself into a knot frays his ends and says "Ok. Lets go".
Into the next saloon they approach the bar and the third piece of string asks for three beers.
"Say, aren't you a piece of string?" asks the bartender.
To which the third piece of string replies "I'm a frayed knot".

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office and the psychiatrist says what seems to be the problem the guy goes I have a recurring dream I'm a wigwam then the next night I'm a teepee the next night I'm a wigwam the next time I'm a TP the psychiatrist says you're too tense

Vote for your favourite Joke

1. Hoagie sandwich shop joke:
One time at a hoagie sandwich shop the classical actress, Ms. O'hara, asked:
"What's that tiny, pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar bread sandwich?"
I had to tell her: "Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."

2. Solve this mathematical formula: Tree-Poo + Tree-Poo + Tree-Poo = original post Algbra

3. During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

4. What's a Burp? Its a fart that took the elevator

Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, it is February 14th.

As it's Valentine Day today.
Lets have some jokes on the topic of;

love & romance

I love that joke, PattyMac

I was thinking of a Bronx accent.

One time at a hoagie sandwich shop the classical actress, Ms. O'hara, asked:

"What's that tiny, pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar bread sandwich?"

I had to tell her:

"Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."

Ah I thought tree turds 3/3, so a total of 3. Needs an & in there
Helps if you say it in an Irish accent

rabbitoid you omitted the trees.

Solve this algebraic equation-
=
The solution is-
Tree and a turd plus tree and a turd plus tree and a turd equals ten.

Silly me.

I thought it was see tree poo [with poo carefully pronounced to make it the name of a Star Wars Android.]

A turd + a turd + a turd... = 1
I knew that the master in math would be useful one day

Ok rabbitoid. Tell 'em.
I'll answer by this evening if rabbitoid doesn't beat me to it.

Easy one

I made this one up back in the early '70s.
Solve this mathematical formula -
+ + =

I'll give the answer right before the end of the contest if nobody solves it.
P.S. I'll enter this one instead of Eric's riddle.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Yes he was quite onomatopoetic.

Yes remember it well, it even sounds like a bell when he said it

told this one in a sketch called "The Visitors".
Q) What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A) Dung.

Whats a Burp? Its a fart that took the elevator

As the board has been rather quiet lately, we will have an open theme this month.
So please post your favourite jokes

We have a winner!

For the last poll, Vote for you favourite Sales and Shopping Joke.
Congratulations to Jools with his entry "My wife was on eBay all day today. If she's still there by the weekend I'll reduce the price!" with (50%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!

We have joint winners!

For the last poll, Vote for you favourite Halloween Joke.
Congratulations to HeartOnFire with her entry "What do you call two witches sharing an apartment? Broom-mates and hoot with
"Have you seen the twin witches? I can’t tell witch is witch!" both with (18%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!

Poor Santa and even poorer angel

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Haha

(unknown photo)

I bought a new vacuum on Black Friday. It sucks.

It certainly does help to Speak Spanish, luckily we have google translate

(This joke works best if you speak Spanish)
A Mexican man walks into a men's store, looks around, finds a salesman and says "Busco calccetines".
The salesman says "I'm afraid I don't speak Spanish. No habler Espanol."
"Busco calcetines."
The salesman decides he'll try the process of elimination. He picks up a belt.
"No. Calcetines."
He takes el señor to another section and picks up a bandana.
"¡No! ¡Calcetines!"
He takes him to the shoe department and as they pass by the rack of socks the hombre picks up a pair and says "Eso si que es."
Where upon the salesman asks "Why didn't you spell it in the first place?"

Good one

➡️😃LOL😄⬅️

While at Walmart, I asked the Pharmacy staff where I might find one of those at home health tests you send to a lab for analysis.

The Pharmacy Tech looked both ways and then whispered to me, "I'm not suppose to tell you this, but you don't need that kit." He then proceeded to tell me how to do my own test for free. "Just pee under a tree, and then come back in three or four days:

- If ants have gathered, you've got diabetes.

- If the grass dries up, it's high salts, and you've got heart disease.

- If it smells like BBQ, your cholesterol is high.

- And if you forgot to pull up your pants, you've got Alzheimer's.

At a large department store a manager was coming onto the sales floor when he heard an associate tell a woman "we haven't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll get any anytime soon.". The woman thanked the associate and left.

Horrified, the manager pulled the associate aside and instructed "Never, never tell a customer we're out of something! Tell them it's on order. Now what was it she wanted?"

The reply came "She asked about rain. I told her we hadn't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll get any anytime soon."

Why doesn’t Garth Brooks shop at Home Depot?
Because he has friends in Lowe’s places.

My wife was on eBay all day today. If she's still there by the weekend I'll reduce the price!

As Black Friday is nearly upon us, let's have some jokes about Sales and Shopping
{ Image: www.kyozou.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/whyatt-we-usually-shop-in-the-comfort-of-our-own-5255850.png }

vote for your favourite Halloween joke

We have a winner!

For the last poll, Vote for you favourite School Joke
Congratulations to eliphont551 with her entry "What did the eraser say after the first day of school? I don’t think I’m going to make it to graduation!" with (26%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!

Sierieously comiecal.

Does this make us seriously comical?

A lot of the laughs I've gotten have come from playing it straight.

Books just having a conversation as no one has posted any jokes yet. Eases the boredom.

Too long ago to remember but possibly

Just a reminder, this is the jokes board so the original post was made in jest

Were you taught phonics in elementary school?
I'm just 9 years your jr.

At 77 years old, all I learned in elementary school was " I before except after c" I know today the why of it but it is not what we learned back then.

Neighbor's diphthong is the "a" sound.

"I before E except after C
or when sounded like A as in neighbor or weigh"

Neighbor is another that doesn't follow that rule.

Maybe that rule doesn't apply as both of the two letters are pronounced.

Maybe it means except sometimes after C.

If "i before e except after c",
shouldn't it be spelled "sceince" ???