- love it!

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one's around to hear it, you should still get rid of the chainsaw.

My wife asked me why I speak so softly in the house.
I said that I'm afraid Zuckerberg and Musk are listening.
She laughed, so I laughed.
Then Alexa laughed, then Siri laughed, then our Tesla laughed! 😬

Sorry I missed this one, I will include it next time

Poll is up for you to vote for your favourite joke.

1.Supermarket trip

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an older lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

2. The Spoons

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"
He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare one.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's zip. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there?"
Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Accenture also suggested we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our manhood, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 45%."
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
He whispered, "Accenture didn't mention that in report, so, We use the spoon "

3. Briefest birthday

My briefest birthday was over in a flash, well, half a minute to be precise. It was my 32nd (thirty second) birthday.

4. Stick drive

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

3. Hot day thirst

Three pieces of string are walking in town and come upon a saloon. They walk in, up to the bar and the first piece of string asks "Could we have three beers?"
The bartender says "I'm afraid we don't serve string".
Dejected and thirsty they walk to the next saloon, up to the bar and the second piece of string demands "Gimme a beer!"
The bartender barks "We don't serve string" and kicks them out.
Even more dejected now and still thirsty the third piece of string says "I have an idea", ties himself into a knot frays his ends and says "Ok. Lets go".
Into the next saloon they approach the bar and the third piece of string asks for three beers.
"Say, aren't you a piece of string?" asks the bartender.
To which the third piece of string replies "I'm a frayed knot".

Supermarket

last call for jokes for this month's poll

Good one
Which one do you want to enter for the poll, this one or the supermarket one?

I'm going to put a poll up soon

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!

Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday. Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, stares at you for 5 minutes, then leaves.

True story when I was a teenager I was working security in a mall and I got a call to go to the food court area in a lady come in run and screaming a guy with a gun stole my car I've been carjacked and just as I was going out to door to check it out another lady come screaming in I've been carjacked a guy with a gun I've been carjacked and I'm like what two cars for car jacked and I went out and there was the first car it was a stick the carjacker couldn't drive stick so he abandoned it went over and stole another one

In France we're old fashioned. The older generation (me) prefers stick. Now, with electric this slowly changes.

I know a fella that bought a new car, it was stick, salesman spent the next hour showing him how to drive it off the lot...lol

HEHEHEHE

That's very funny

Rather quiet here

Thanks to The-Nono-Gram on https://www.nonograms.org

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an older lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare one.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's zip. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there?"

Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Accenture also suggested we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our manhood, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 45%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

He whispered, "Accenture didn't mention that in report, so, We use the spoon "

I had to read it a couple of times

I was looking too deep - for something photographically related.

thirty second birthday

Talk about slow, I still don't get it.

gosh, I'm slow

My briefest birthday was over in a flash, well, half a minute to be precise. It was my 32nd birthday.

As the last theme Love & Romance seemed to be a bit of a flop, with eliphont551 as the only entrant I've decided we won't have themes in future.

So please post any jokes you like and when we have enough for a poll I will set one up.

Remember You've got to be in it, to win it!

So post you jokes for the chance to win a token

to eliphont551
As the only entry you are the automatic winner.

Look out of a winner's token soon

We have a winner!

For the last poll, Vote for you favourite Joke.
Congratulations to PattyMac with her entry What's a Burp? Its a fart that took the elevator with % of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!

Three pieces of string are walking in town and come upon a saloon. They walk in, up to the bar and the first piece of string asks "Could we have three beers?"
The bartender says "I'm afraid we don't serve string".
Dejected and thirsty they walk to the next saloon, up to the bar and the second piece of string demands "Gimme a beer!"
The bartender barks "We don't serve string" and kicks them out.
Even more dejected now and still thirsty the third piece of string says "I have an idea", ties himself into a knot frays his ends and says "Ok. Lets go".
Into the next saloon they approach the bar and the third piece of string asks for three beers.
"Say, aren't you a piece of string?" asks the bartender.
To which the third piece of string replies "I'm a frayed knot".

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office and the psychiatrist says what seems to be the problem the guy goes I have a recurring dream I'm a wigwam then the next night I'm a teepee the next night I'm a wigwam the next time I'm a TP the psychiatrist says you're too tense

Vote for your favourite Joke

1. Hoagie sandwich shop joke:
One time at a hoagie sandwich shop the classical actress, Ms. O'hara, asked:
"What's that tiny, pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar bread sandwich?"
I had to tell her: "Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."

2. Solve this mathematical formula: Tree-Poo + Tree-Poo + Tree-Poo = original post Algbra

3. During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

4. What's a Burp? Its a fart that took the elevator

Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, it is February 14th.

As it's Valentine Day today.
Lets have some jokes on the topic of;

love & romance

I love that joke, PattyMac

I was thinking of a Bronx accent.

One time at a hoagie sandwich shop the classical actress, Ms. O'hara, asked:

"What's that tiny, pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar bread sandwich?"

I had to tell her:

"Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."

Ah I thought tree turds 3/3, so a total of 3. Needs an & in there
Helps if you say it in an Irish accent

rabbitoid you omitted the trees.

Solve this algebraic equation-
=
The solution is-
Tree and a turd plus tree and a turd plus tree and a turd equals ten.

Silly me.

I thought it was see tree poo [with poo carefully pronounced to make it the name of a Star Wars Android.]

A turd + a turd + a turd... = 1
I knew that the master in math would be useful one day

Ok rabbitoid. Tell 'em.
I'll answer by this evening if rabbitoid doesn't beat me to it.

Easy one

I made this one up back in the early '70s.
Solve this mathematical formula -
+ + =

I'll give the answer right before the end of the contest if nobody solves it.
P.S. I'll enter this one instead of Eric's riddle.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Yes he was quite onomatopoetic.

Yes remember it well, it even sounds like a bell when he said it

told this one in a sketch called "The Visitors".
Q) What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A) Dung.

Whats a Burp? Its a fart that took the elevator

As the board has been rather quiet lately, we will have an open theme this month.
So please post your favourite jokes

We have a winner!

For the last poll, Vote for you favourite Sales and Shopping Joke.
Congratulations to Jools with his entry "My wife was on eBay all day today. If she's still there by the weekend I'll reduce the price!" with (50%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!

We have joint winners!

For the last poll, Vote for you favourite Halloween Joke.
Congratulations to HeartOnFire with her entry "What do you call two witches sharing an apartment? Broom-mates and hoot with
"Have you seen the twin witches? I can’t tell witch is witch!" both with (18%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!

Poor Santa and even poorer angel

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.