Ah the first essay of my course is due. Amazing how the housework suddenly seems appealing. Oh look there is a speck of dust on the skirting board...i'll just tidy the airing-cupboard...i wonder if the freezer needs de-frositng?? I'll just phone a friend and see how they are getting on...I could write a book on avoidance behaviour, but i'd probably never finish it, lol.

Mmm, we woke to a stunning autumn morning today. As Ray headed off to work i headed out across the fields behind our house with my camera. It's a basic point and shoot digital camera, but it can take some lovely photos. The air was cold and crisp, the low sun, and illuminating the frost. Several groups of ducks flew over and in the distance pheasants called to each other, and there was a distant rumble of a frieght train. As the mist lifted i headed home to a mug of hot chocolate and Gold Token. Truely one of those mornings that reminds you how beautiful life is, and how precious.

This time last year i was days away from major abdominal surgery and terrified. This year i’m days away from a job interview…not terrified, but certainly nervous. I’ve been off sick now for almost 2 years and feeling desperate to back in to gainful employment. Oddly it’s not the financial aspect that is making me want to work (although it is of course a factor), but the social aspect of work, and how it affects your self-esteem. I think i’ve done well with using my time off sick fairly skillfully, i’ve certainly not spent it watching daytime TV. I’ve been doing an Open University course, and i’ve provided input into helping two friends market and publicise their new books. That is on top of all the hospital appointments and the two operations.

I don’t know how my body will cope with a return to work. Although the operations have sorted two big problems, other health problems remain. However at 36 i don’t feel ready to give up work for good, so i’m going to my interview next week and hoping. Firstly that i get the job and secondly that i can stick at it. It feels good that life is opening up, but equally scary. The fear of failure looms large, and as a perfectionist i’m not good at dealing with failure. In another years time if i’m in work and moaning about it, please feel free to call me on it.

I've been blogging for about 2 years now on wordpress. I don't blog with the thought of who will read it, i blog to get thoughts down or to highlight an issue i'm interested in. During the last 2 years i've been quite ill, and blogging has been one way of making sense of all the things that have gone wrong, and the many hospital appointments. When i've been too ill to leve the house blogging has provided a way to keep in contact with the outside world. It has prevented me feleing trapped. I also have friends around the worls, so it has been an effective way of communicating with them. Oddly people do read my blog, i still find that quite weird. One post had 300 hits in a day! I'm going to bring a few of the topics i post on my wordpress blog here over the next few weeks.